I'm back from some time out..

Bipolar, Clinical depression, Unipolar – Is it possible to have any of these items and personally know it? Is it possible to have them and have other people say that you do not?

Shriners – I have given my notice to the NASMC that there is an opening for an assistant Secretary. I will do my best to show them how to do everything (as opposed to how I “learned”) to make sure the job gets done. I will continue to do what is required but I don’t have the desire anymore. I think my change is due to the local unit garbage that I see at Aleppo. I see it everywhere really but mostly at Aleppo because I am closest to them I think. The 40 thousand foot view is that people don’t seem to want to develop friendships. Everyone wants to be acquaintances and that is it. Well, that and drink and play the political game really. Sure everyone talks a good game about “doing it for the kids” but I believe that for 85-90% of the folks there that those lines are forced and mostly meaningless. I’m the first to admit that I joined the Shriners in order to try and make a new set of friends. Not to help the kids, not to help the hospitals. Yes they are a wonderful second/third, or 1A and 1B activities but cut to the chase it was to make friends. A buddy of mine jokingly said to me, following a similar comment “that sounds too Brokeback man”. Maybe so, but what happened to friendship and all of the other things that DeMolay was about? What happened to all of those things, that I have forgotten the exact words for in the Masonic degree work, but still have the meaning of? I should probably give my notice in regard to being Lieutenant of the Cycles unit too. The problem with that is that I don’t want to let those bastards win. Yes, I did use those words on purpose and that is how I feel at this current time. I have tried for about 5 years to be friends with many, many of these people and none of it works. I have tried to be there for people – both as an extra pair of helping hands for manual labor or as someone to actually listen. I feel like I am running into walls. I have tried being the guy that everyone can count on – make it to everything, always available. I feel as though nobody cares. There are all of these little cliques and groups. Is it possibly the age differential between myself and the other members? I think it might just be that. The closest active member to my age is about 8 years my senior. Maybe I’m just too old school. But if that is the case then why can’t I fit in. I’ve tried not fitting in and just being myself and that doesn’t seem to work either. There are a couple of folks that sometimes say to me about themselves that “if it isn’t fun then I won’t do it”. I can’t say that. I don’t know why I can’t but it just isn’t possible. I feel obligated to keep going and that is where it becomes very painful. It is painful to go and feel unwanted and left out and then it feels painful to leave and think that nobody will miss me…

Better living through chemicals I guess. Too bad I don’t necessarily believe in that.